you get what you get

There's a saying, "you get what you get, and you don't get upset" that people often use with their kids. You hear it everywhere - it's practically a mantra of 'good parenting'. It's cute and it's catchy, and it seems like a pithy way to remind children not to fuss over every little thing.

But what is it really teaching your kid? What you're telling them is: "you don't have any control over this - and if that bothers you? well, - you can just shut up about it." You're negating the feelings they have about what's going on, and squelching potential conversation about it. Now, I'm not saying you should encourage your kid to howl on the floor for 45 minutes every time she doesn't get what she wants. But she should certainly be able to let you know how she feels - in any situation. It's ironic that people do everything in their power to make their kids be quiet and behave when they're little, and then wonder why the kids won't 'open up' or communicate with them later on... Duh.

It's not easy being a child. No, they don't have bills to pay or jobs to go to - but having someone else control everything in your life is extremely challenging for an ego (even a little one). And when you tell someone "you don't get upset" you're trying to control their emotions in addition everything else. And it's ridiculous. Of course they're upset. If someone told me, "you don't get upset" when it was obvious that that's exactly what I was, I'd probably kick them.

I guess if this phrase were used for everyone it might work as kind of a zen reminder that we can't control what life brings - and that we'd be happier if we didn't get too attached to external outcomes. Like that, it works just fine. But using it on kids as a sugar-coated control just seems idiotic and vaguely abusive.