It’s complicated. I’m thinking it shouldn’t be though. It’s always bothered me that I couldn’t be more forgiving and I beat myself up for not having more empathy in the way (I’m thinking) a really good person should.
As a kid it was pretty simple…your friend does something that hurts you and after an apology, everyone just moves on. I’m no kid anymore and the amount of questions that reek havoc in my head run pretty deep as I try to process this lovely thing called forgiveness.
Do they really mean it?
By truly accepting an apology, am I somehow disrespecting myself?
Will it happen again??
Oy, the list goes on really. And once I finally answer all those questions (because they all need to be answered before I can really accept the apology), I think I should feel pretty good about it, and oh just forgive them already, right? But something usually lingers and stops me.
I couldn’t put my finger on it until yesterday. Talking to a close friend about forgiveness the light bulb finally turned on above my head. I always assumed in order to really forgive, I also had to allow that person back into my life in it's original state. How ridiculous of me. I think that whole biblical concept of forgiveness went a little too far in my brain, and believe me I know I'm far from anything that resembles some kind of a saint. Of course I should be forgiving, but what I don’t have to do is put myself in an unhealthy relationship that hurts not only myself, but the people around me. How incredibly liberating to know I can forgive and also move on without looking back with guilt. Forgiveness just became so much easier. I'm grateful. I hope I can pass this one on to my kids.
i totally agree. you can forgive, but that doesn't mean a free pass for that person to have the same connection/bond with you. but always forgive--ultimately, holding on to unforgiveness doesn't hurt the other person, it causes bitterness and damages you.
ReplyDeletegood post, ellen!
love, hannah
I liked this a lot. And it's an important thing to recognize. True forgiveness is never about disrespecting yourself - at all. Forgiving doesn't mean that you think that whatever the offense was is 'okay'(and it doesn't mean you have to set yourself up to have the same thing happen again.) It just means you don't hold it against the person.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for writing about a hard subject-I don't think there's a person on Earth who hasn't mentally wrestled with this concept. The most difficult thing is getting past the idea that forgiving someone isn't giving them the "okay" or "I understand" for how they treated you. I wish I could easily forgive & forget-I agree with Hannah, all it does is cause you bitterness... and really you are just giving that person/situation more power over you. Is it that I have not reached that spiritual level to forgive, my personality being stubborn, or just a matter of self-perservation? Like everything in life....probably a combination of all factors. Love, Wendi
ReplyDeleteRE: Unpublished Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI'm the only person who sees comments before they are published - not Ellen, or anyone else. And if the comments are malicious or inappropriate they will not be published - and will never be seen by anyone else.