childhood developement and addiction

If you're interested in parenting you might enjoy this interview about childhood development and addiction...

http://www.alternet.org/world/149325?page=10

parental intervention

This Christmas Jemma got an egg-chair that spins around and has a pull down shade. It does two things that kids love - hides them and makes them dizzy. Needless to say it was a big hit with all the cousins, and I was pleased to see that Jemma was happy to share with everyone.

I was also interested to see that she's perfectly capable of negotiating without any adult involvement - as demonstrated by the following interaction:

Jemma and Janie had been spinning one another around in the chair and Janie had just finished a turn.

Janie: Can I do it one more time?

Jemma: Um... No, thanks. We have to take turns.

Janie: (getting out of the chair) I was just kidding... Wasn't that a funny joke?

Jemma: (getting into the chair) Yeah.

And they happily continued going back and forth.

I've noticed that parents tend to get immediately involved when kids have a conflict. They'll wrench a toy out of their child's hand or tell them the 'right thing' to say. (Heaven forbid their child seems to be un-sharing or uncooperative.) I don't know if this is a fear of what their kid looks like to others (or how their kid's behavior reflects on them as a parent) - or just the instinct to constantly show their child the 'right' way to do things.

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't get involved if your kid is hitting another kid over the head with his dump-truck - I just think we need to give them a little (safe) space to figure it out for themselves sometimes. Kids need to learn how to interact - but we don't necessarily need to teach them every second. They're pretty good at resolving things for themselves. Especially if they've seen us model constructive behavior. And constant correction and guidance (even if done nicely) isn't great for self-esteem.

I have trouble not getting involved, too - but in a bit of a different way... It's hard for me to see my daughter struggling, so my instinct is to do everything for her. Which, of course, isn't in her best interest either. I want her to feel confident and capable - so I'm constantly reminding myself to back off a little and let her work things out on her own.

solutions

I was complaining to my husband that a dress I had just bought (in a hurry) was a size too big, but that I couldn't exchange it because I had already cut out the tag.

And his response was, "Well, I guess we'll just have to feed you more."

I love that.

rainy days

It’s raining cats and dogs here. It started a few days ago and it’s not supposed to stop any time soon. When I moved from New York to Los Angeles 10 years ago I remember driving down Sunset Blvd looking up at the sky in awe of how beautiful the day was. I made a promise to myself never to take for granted how amazing days in Los Angeles can be.

I have done a decent job remembering to appreciate how beautiful it is here, at least better than I thought I would, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t use a reminder here or there. Seems I am getting one right now. I think my reminder is supposed to last for a while as we have a few storm systems to get through before sunny days return.

I hope the clouds clear enough to catch a glimpse of a total lunar eclipse happening Tuesday morning. It coincides with the winter solstice. Evidently this particular combination hasn't been seen in 372 years. I'm keeping my fingers crossed these clouds move away, at least long enough to catch a glimpse.

morning conversations

Yesterday morning was our usual rush to get ready for school kind of thing. While I was throwing my hair up on top of my head I heard my 2 youngest daughters Brooke and Allie arguing about something. Their tone wasn’t the, “Oh my God I have a huge fight to dissipate”, but more the, “Oh yeah, here we go again with one of those annoying disagreements that only exists to annoy and irritate the other because it generates a reaction, kind of thing”. Realizing this, I was able to continue getting ready without serious concern World War 3 was about to erupt.

Most of the time these kind of “discussions” just go away without intervention, and sometimes they make their way to me. This one was the latter.

“Mom, Allie is saying God is a hermaphrodite!”

Geez, did I hear that right? Okay now they have my attention.

“Exactly how would God be a hermaphrodite, please tell me?”

Allie, with great conviction, came into my room to explain her case, “Well, you told me God has both energies, male and female, so that would make God a hermaphrodite.”

Yup, she has a point, I guess. I have always believed God has both male and female energy, especially if we were created in God’s image. So without sounding sacrilegious (my sincere apologies if I offend anyone with this), Allie’s statement could in some really odd way, be true.

It’s a weird analogy comparing God and a hermaphrodite, but what I’m thinking it represents mostly is Allie’s attempt to make God seem more like us humans by having male and female attributes.

Most of the time I am pretty hard on myself and I’m thinking I am not alone. So if God is somehow like us, maybe God is not so, well you know, perfect. And if God is not so perfect, then maybe it is okay that I am not either. I feel better.

holding my breath

I just had two days of jury duty - which I hate - and the whole time it was going on I was waiting for it to be over in a suspended state of stress.

It occurrs to me that I experience that same anxiety and impatience with a lot of things... If there's something that I'm not particularly looking forward to I'll worry about it the whole time leading up to the event, and then, when it arrives, I'll figuratively hold my breath until it's done.

It wouldn't be a problem if I only did it for rare and especially arduous tasks, like moving - and believe me, I stress out about moving. But I do it for small things too, like errands I don't want to run, and appointments and deadlines...

I've been doing it waiting for the adoption referral for 'baby sister' smith... And then (very recently) we got the referral. The waiting for that particular thing was over, and I was thrilled. But right after that I began holding my breath for the court date - which we don't have yet.

And I realized that there will always be something that I'm waiting for. And there will always be something that I'm obliged to do that I'd rather not do - or something that inconveniences me or makes me anxious. And to worry, or to wish I were doing something else is a monumental waste of time... What's more, it's ungrateful (perhaps unintentionally - but ungrateful, nonetheless).

I want my days to be mindful - and not just during the bits that I happen to consider enjoyable or entertaining. So often we numb ourselves with our drug of choice (I'm beginning to suspect mine is worry) to 'get through' our lives. But life's not that long, after all - so I might as well just keep breathing while I can.

fashion advice

Last night I had plans to go out to dinner at a fabulous restaurant called Del Posto. It's a relatively formal place, so I wanted to look nice...

But it was freezing outside, and in the end I selected a dress that I didn't especially like, but it was warm, and I figured everyone at the restaurant would be more interested in the food than my attire. I asked Jemma what she thought of the dress, and she gave it a 'sideways thumb' - which is to say, it wasn't a 'thumbs up' but it wasn't terrible enough to merit a 'thumbs down'.

"You don't like it?" I asked.

"It's okay," she said. "I'm just afraid other people will laugh at you."

Needless to say I found something else to wear.

But I don't want you to think my 4 year old daughter is my personal stylist - if she were I'd wear nothing but pink and purple... Although, if I'm honest about my current wardrobe, I have to admit that it would probably be an improvement if she were...

love letters

Lately Jemma's been writing a lot of letters. Not the alphabetical kind... but correspondences.

If I'm too tired to get up with her in the morning (and she gets up very early) I try to find things that she can do for awhile to give me a little longer to sleep. The only that she likes to do without coming in to talk to me every five minutes is draw and - more recently - write letters. She figures out the how the spelling should go based on sound, and usually I can tell what she's trying to say... (If I have trouble deciphering what she's written , she tells me - sometimes impatiently - "Just sound it out, Mommy".)

Last night Jemma wrote a letter to Luca (a boy in her class.)

It said, "Dear Luca, When I grow up I want you to be one of my choices for who I marry."

When I read it, she told me that she wanted to marry Luca.

"Okay," I said.

"I fell in love with him," she explained, and waited for my reaction.

"You can marry him if you want to," I said. "But when you're older there may be someone else you want to marry."

"Nope." She said, "I'm not changing my mind ever."

However, this morning she announced that now she wants to marry Zora...

back in the saddle

Once upon a time I started a blog... and I was pretty good about writing fairly regularly (with a few minor lapses).

And then - more than a week ago - I simply stopped...

And I have to ask myself, 'what the heck'?

The answer is that there's no real reason. Every day I think I'll do an entry - sometimes I even have something to say (like the fact that "The King's Speech" is a really good movie, and that you should go see it) but ever since the Thursday before last I just haven't done it. I think I secretly kept putting it off, hoping that my friend Ellen - who also posts on everything(sort of)- would fill in the gap. (Hint, hint, Ellen!)

It's not that I've given up writing entirely. Quite the opposite, in fact. At the moment I'm working on a couple of projects that I'm really excited about... which is great - but that doesn't do much for my poor, neglected blog...

My apologies - both to the blog itself, and to any optimistic soul out there who might still be checking to see if I will ever post again.

To make amends, here are some photos from this past weekend.