holding my breath

I just had two days of jury duty - which I hate - and the whole time it was going on I was waiting for it to be over in a suspended state of stress.

It occurrs to me that I experience that same anxiety and impatience with a lot of things... If there's something that I'm not particularly looking forward to I'll worry about it the whole time leading up to the event, and then, when it arrives, I'll figuratively hold my breath until it's done.

It wouldn't be a problem if I only did it for rare and especially arduous tasks, like moving - and believe me, I stress out about moving. But I do it for small things too, like errands I don't want to run, and appointments and deadlines...

I've been doing it waiting for the adoption referral for 'baby sister' smith... And then (very recently) we got the referral. The waiting for that particular thing was over, and I was thrilled. But right after that I began holding my breath for the court date - which we don't have yet.

And I realized that there will always be something that I'm waiting for. And there will always be something that I'm obliged to do that I'd rather not do - or something that inconveniences me or makes me anxious. And to worry, or to wish I were doing something else is a monumental waste of time... What's more, it's ungrateful (perhaps unintentionally - but ungrateful, nonetheless).

I want my days to be mindful - and not just during the bits that I happen to consider enjoyable or entertaining. So often we numb ourselves with our drug of choice (I'm beginning to suspect mine is worry) to 'get through' our lives. But life's not that long, after all - so I might as well just keep breathing while I can.