Loser's Poker

Last night I whooped my husband and his friend Rich in poker. Which was pretty satisfying, because I'm not a poker player - not a good one, anyway - and they are... But for some reason the victory wasn't as tasty as you might expect.

Before we played (when we were all talking trash) I absolutely wanted to win. And when we were playing, while the competitive juices were flowing, I still did. But by the last hand I wasn't so sure. At one point I considered folding even though I was confident I had the best hand. (Which is what I do when I'm playing with little kids to give them a chance to win sometimes.)

But I didn't. That would have been ridiculous. These guys know what they're doing, and I can barely keep what beats what straight in my head (I actually have a little sheet next to me in case I forget.) That's why I'm tough to beat, my husband tells me. He says two things are rewarded in poker: aggression and the ability to hide what you have. Well, I'm aggressive, for sure. I'll stay in the game with nothing, just because I don't want to be pushed out... And I guess I'm pretty hard to read, because most of the time I'm not sure, myself, whether I have a strong hand or not... So it seems my inexperience is serving me well.

In the end they both went all in, and I won. But instead of being excited about it I just felt weird... Maybe I'm not as competitive as I think I am. I hate to lose, but I guess I'm not entirely comfortable with winning either - because then someone else has to lose...

Sometimes getting what you think you want is like that. It's like flirting with a boy you're not really interested in, and then feeling bad if he falls in love with you... it's validating in a way, but ultimately you just end up feeling yucky.