New Normal

Feeling balanced is an obsession of mine. It’s easier to adjust my own behavior than deal with an imbalanced situation or relationship. Not the worst quality, but not the best either. And it’s tough being like this especially since I am attracted to strong personalities. Now that I say that, I’m thinking it’s more exhausting than tough.

Last year when my husband and I separated after eighteen years I was curious (and a little hesitant) to see who would emerge from behind my curtain. Never really spending time alone but always finding myself in a relationship of some form was my version of normal. I had no idea who I was alone.

So a year ago I stepped into this new space with an open heart and a lot of (required) empathy. Judging myself comes way too naturally, always has. The question that runs on a loop in my brain is, ”What took you so long to see that??” As unnatural as this felt I decided not judge myself and attempt to appreciate who emerged. Seriously scary stuff. I had a feeling it would be something like standing in front of the mirror completely naked and be forced to really look at myself (and not with one eye closed and one eye half open).

A year later I’m still learning who I am alone, but one thing has become clear…I like who I am in spite of all my multitudes of imperfections. Here’s why (and I am sure most people already know this, I just took a while to figure it out…there I go again judging myself): I discovered each and every one of my imperfections (and are there tons of those) are perfectly designed to teach me exactly what it is I so desperately need to learn. It is within my imperfections that I am perfectly defined. So now I am slowly learning to cut myself some slack and allow all those imperfections help my new normal emerge.